| On the way back, we rode in the dark through the cities' lights and ponds that appeared to have shooting stars in them, hitting up to the top of the water and then dissolving, and we leaned in the windows and watched everything pass and he told me we are all made out star dust and I thought it was a romantic thing. I sat close to him but didn't dare do anything, I could tell that I shouldn't, really. I did have my hand at the edge of my leg to make it easy if he wanted to, but he had his hands held together quietly in his lap. I looked curiously at him as the streetlights hit us over and over and less frequently as we moved towards the country. Then, as we got close to Northfield, I began to get sentimental about him. I told him that I always sensed something about him that made me feel protected - that he was that guy I ran down the stairs to - crying one day and he saw me and he hugged me, or that he was always around when things happened - and that he was there since the beginning of school. I told him that there was that first day of school when I was walking out of Ellingson and he opened the door and the sun light flashed around us and I could not see anything and then our eyes adjusted and I saw him. I told him that I will always see him as that flash of light - not that "light of your life" or anything cheesy like that, but that flash of light that I will always remember and want to return back to, even though it is, being a flash, so momentary. I told him I was being sentimental. Somewhere around this time, hebegan to talk about how starting out Sewanee will be rough but it will turn out best in the end, just like his sister getting to move onto the ivy league prep school will afford her better college choices, which is all that he could hope for her, and that Sewanee will turn out right in the end, and I should like it. I told him he didn't understand. I don't mean that I am upset about going there, but I am upset about people. I am not sad, I am sentimental about losing him because I'm so attached to him. He promised to be there. He was "boy." I began to rub my face and cry. He put his arm around my dress in the dark and around my body and held me in soft and closer and said, "Madeline..." and I moved my hand over and we cupped our hands, soft and tight, and moved our thumbs in the dark and I moved my head and buried my face into his neck and sighed in the dark and dreamy peace. He said he would write and I cried softly. Then we got to St Olaf and the front lights were on us and we were flashed out of the darkness we shared together, awoke from it, and walked back to Thorson out of that darkness we shared. He walked me to my room and gave me a hug, "You give good hugs," and all of it had dissolved and he began to walk away from me and I said "wait" and thanked him and closed the door and felt hollow inside. |
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